why i hate protestants: another angry rant...

Written by Andrew Baxter

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS INTENDED PRIMARILY AS COMEDY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PEOPLE OR IDEAS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. ANY REALITY EXPRESSED BELOW IS PURELY IN THE MIND OF THE READER...

why i hate protestants.

reason number one: they refuse to dance. ever see a protestant dance? even if you have, it was probably pretty awkward. compare that to catholics. now they can dance. In fact, everybody in the world dances except the protestants. except maybe the chinese. but i can’t say for sure.

reason number two: germans! need i say more?

reason number three: protestants just aren’t a whole lot of fun. definitely more fun than mormons, but that’s a low bar.

reason number four: can’t buy your way into heaven!! there’s much be said for a little corruption to help grease the wheels when it comes to eternal salvation.

reason number five: they’re very unsexy.

reason number six: the protestant work ethic: it wasn’t until these jackasses came along that yardwork became somehow ‘good for you’.

reason number seven: evangelicals. what’s the deal with those guys?!

reason number eight: nazis...dammit! there i go on about the germans again.

reason number nine: can’t buy booze on sundays?! are you kidding me?!

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2 comments

Comment Link Wednesday, 02 May 2012 18:18 posted by Trevor Malkinson
As someone who is considered a recent 'convert' to Christianity in its Protestant form, I had a good chuckle at this. Just a few comments.

The dancing thing is quite true in my immediate experience, and from what I can tell in general. I've heard of Protestants called (and this was by a Protestant minister) the "frozen chosen". That made me giggle. We've made an attempt in our congregation to get more bodily active in the service, but seeing as how we're mainly a white middle class bunch, it's slow and slightly awkward going I must say. But we're starting to loosen up.

The work ethic- yes, I think the Rastafarians might have had better ideas on this one. :)

And in terms of the Nazi's, I must give an important shout out to Dietrich Bonhoeffer and the Confessing Church. Bonhoeffer might be the kind of Protestant you could get behind.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dietrich_Bonhoeffer#Confessing_Church

Way to throw religious humor into the mix, a venerable comedic tradition. I believe it was George Carlin that originally came up with the line, "Could God make a rock so big that even he couldn't pick it up?" I'll have to think of a follow up piece if inspiration permits.
Comment Link Friday, 11 January 2013 20:42 posted by Paul von Gee
I think at least half of the Germans are Catholics. Ever been to Cologne? Carnaval there is almost like in Rio.
Also, the protestants there are mainly Lutherans. Lutheranism is a very mild form of protestantism and even has some catholic traits; for example, they have bishops. For real terrible protestants you'd have to go to parts of Switzerland and parts of Holland. There you have some real sour calvinists, the same kind you find in the USA. In Holland there's a saying 'Act normal, that's crazy enough already'. This calvinist mentality has shaped Dutch culture.