Commenting Policy

7 comments

• Comment Link Thursday, 09 February 2012 00:20 posted by Chris Dierkes

  Hi Alessandra,
  
  thanks for this. good stuff. I really like the practice-based sections. It would be interesting to hear from readers who take up the practices, what their experiences would be like.
  
  One that I've found over the years in this area that helps me....As a hetero guy I would struggle with the fact that walking around town I can tend to scope out the ladies too much. The old turn the head and look at the backside when she walks by. Or staring just a few seconds too long at a woman on the subway, then realizing she's now uncomfortable or eye-rolling because of what I've done.
  
  So I would struggle with that and then to work against that--because legitimately I want to be respectful and not objectify women and so forth--I would do this almost head down walking thing and would really go into an almost repression mode.
  
  Neither one is good.
  
  Eventually I came to a practice whereby if I see a woman who I found attractive, I feel the energy of the attraction, thank her (internally!), and then enter a space of more gratitude to life. It would also allow me to let go of getting hooked on her or falling into a fantasy. Overtime I started to experience the sense that the charge was the charge of Life. It brought a cleaner joy--like what you talk about in terms of savouring. Eros in the full sense of the term.
  
  A question I had is where you think the line is between healthy fantasy and fantasies that are an attempt to get away from our pain (this is a point Robert Masters often points to)? I certainly know that a good number of the fantasies I have, when I reflect on them later, gain their charge from a sense of wanting to get away from the boredom, or the suffering, or the incompleteness of life. "The grass is always greener" kinda thing. And yet there's clearly a healthy role for fantasy. So just wondering what your thoughts are on that point?
• Comment Link Monday, 13 February 2012 21:38 posted by Sarah Olson

  I really enjoyed this offering. In fact I read this article back to back with Vanessa's recent piece and so far it has been a very erotic Monday morning! Thank you Beams and Struts.
  
  A few things stood out for me...
  
  The first was the potential importance of healthy fantasy. There does seem to be an important claiming of our own true desire (rather than allowing that to be co-opted by popular expression as you describe) possible in allowing ourselves to explore our own fantasies. It can help us to break those boundaries of what we have internalized as our options on the sexual buffet, if you will. And as you point out, these need not be acted on and if they remain in the imaginal can be healthy and guilt-free. That being said I'd be interested in your response to Chris' question, since he brings up a good point about the potential dangers of indulgence in fantasy...
  
  It made me think about mainstream porn as well, which is ultimately an expression of sexual fantasy (most commonly male fantasy), and not reflective of the sexual experience most of us are having, most of the time, wouldn't you agree? I am wondering, if we had a more robust sense of our own sexual fantasies, would we be better able to see and appreciate porn as just that, fantasy, and then learn from it, be turned on by it, enjoy it, etc without needing to reify it and put pressure on ourselves to model our bodies and sexual lives after it? One hears stories of young men and women who have grown up with porn and quite naturally end up modelling their sexual lives based on what they see. It would be powerful, I think, to gain an understanding that quite often the porn we are seeing is only one type of sexual fantasy, and maybe throw some shoe fetish, role playing, erotic literature, sexual play with food, or whatever, into the mix.
  
  The other piece I wanted to comment on was your suggestions for practice. Like Chris, I really enjoyed reflecting on what this might look like for me. The one that was most compelling for me was your suggestion to savour the diversity, eroticism and beauty in those we see around us in the "real" world. Good call, and this could be a very powerful practice.
  
  I was really interested to read about Chris' experience as a man, and reflect on how very differently this practice would look for me. You mentioned seeing the beauty in men and women, but to keep things brief I thought I'd reflect on what it would mean to appreciate the erotic in the men I see around me.
  
  As a married heterosexual woman, I am aware of how often I profoundly close myself off to any kind of energetic exchange with men I find attractive, even something as simple as exchanging eye contact or a smile. If I dig into this impulse a bit, I realize that it is pretty loaded and that there is a lot there for me, actually.
  
  First, I realize I have a fear that if I give a sign that could be perceived as interest or encouragement, it might be perceived as availability, which might bring further unwanted interest or energies my way. I've also inherited a moral sense that given that I am unavailable, it is morally irresponsible to "lead a man on" with energetic signals that might be misinterpreted. I also realize that I developed all of these patterns at an earlier time in my life when I wasn't always capable of setting boundaries and knowing how much engagement was safe, was enough. I think the downside of this is a cordoning off, a suppression of my erotic nature which ultimately stifles life, don’t you think?
  
  I hope you don't mind me exploring this here in your comments section, but it's been a useful exercise for me. I think there exists the potential for mature, responsible, safe erotic exchanges in the public sphere, but that these depend on a subtle intelligence and self-awareness among the two parties. There is a developmental aspect, isn't there, (as in there are some men that it is profoundly NOT safe to open myself to) and Chris highlighted this well when he described his process of learning how to appreciate a beautiful woman in a way that doesn’t gawk or retreat, but praises life in a grounded, engaged way.
  
  So I think I could allow myself to take on the practice of letting my erotic nature live more fully when engaging with others, and trusting that I have the subtle awareness to know who is safe, how much is enough, and that over the years I have cultivated the strength to set boundaries when needed. I’ll let you know how it goes!
  
  Thanks Alessandra for this piece and your insights. I look forward to hearing more from you.
• Comment Link Tuesday, 14 February 2012 23:34 posted by Alessandra Sagredo

  First off thank you both Chris & Sarah for your fantastic comments! I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you, we've been on the road and mobile offices are not always the easiest to settle in to!
  
  @ Chris, I was so impressed with your unique approach to admiring the beautiful array of women around you while still remaining in a place of respect. You have discovered what I consider to be a powerful balance of allowing yourself to appreciate nature's gifts while not becoming obsessed with a person and carrying the thought of them around with you for days to come.
  
  In regards to your question around fantasies, I don't actual have a problem with using them as a bit of a "reprieve" from daily life or an escape. Imagination is meant to expand our mental faculties helping us explore our boundaries. One of the the beautiful aspects of a fantasy is that it can allow us a breather from the mundane or challenges of daily living... revitalizing our systems. My concern would be triggered however if someone was spending all their time in a fantasy world which made their reality dark and full of gloom. Or a fantasy that made their reality feel inadequate.
  
  A fantasy should leave you feeling great, not depressed with life. If it does my thoughts would not be that the fantasy is the issue... but instead that the life the person has created for them self is. It may be time then to relook at their life and what they can do to add more joy or passion in to it.
  
  Let me give you a really basic example - when you watch a move it's like you enter a fantasy land. You enjoy it, you laugh, you cry, you get excited, aroused and when it's over you leave it. A fantasy should be similar, if however you are carrying it, it's time to look at what you're daily life is not providing you.
  
  Much Love
  Alessandra
• Comment Link Wednesday, 15 February 2012 00:00 posted by Alessandra Sagredo

  @ Sarah, thanks for your well thought out reply! I've answered Chris above with my thoughts on fantasies so hope this helps!
  
  In regards to Porn - I agree with you and the concept of bringing in a wider variety of erotica and fetish to expand the realm of visual sexual fantasy. One key aspect to consider is that traditionally pornography has been thought of as merely magazine or video from your local adult store... however now-a-days we are lucky enough to have access to a wide variety of flavors of porn on the internet, thus your thoughts of bringing in a more dynamic and different style of visual stimulants is available to your right now in this moment.
  
  Not to say that this porn should be used as a "goal setter" for our personal sexual experiences, as you mentioned (and I do whole heartedly agree) traditional porn can negatively impact our self perceptions, trying to model ourselves, bodies and experiences after a scene from a XXX movie (i.e. most pizza boys just deliver pizza). Yet, if you look around you, you may be surprised by some of the new amateur videos with normal looking men and women, real orgasms and daily life scenarios which are hotter than your big budget bust filled flicks.
  
  The idea is to find what feels good for you. (Sorry if I did a bit of a ramble there...)
  
  I loved witnessing your thoughts literally unfolding around the erotic engagement with others in the public sphere. Every person has a different definition of flirting versus coming on to someone. I think if you are just being polite and appreciating a person or receiving a compliment that's healthy, however it's when you are taking it further, e.g. encouraging through actions or words the person that it's entering a gray zone.
  
  Thanks again Sarah for your thoughts!
  
  Much Love,
  Alessandra
• Comment Link Friday, 17 February 2012 04:59 posted by Scott Payne

  This piece is quite timely for me, Alessandra. So thanks for it. I've had it in mind for a few weeks now to write piece entitled, "How My Baby Daughter Set My Sex Life On Fire". Provocative title, but the contents are quite a bit more tame.
  
  Essentially, the event of having a child has had a profound impact on my view of sex and intimate connection, more generally. With my daughter, who is only 4.5 months old, everything is subtle body connection. I mean, she's a gross being at this point, still evolving into an awareness of herself as a body at all. But when I interact with her, especially back in the early days of her existence, it was all energy and presencing and rolling around in mucky gooey we-space because there was and continues to be so little I-space with her yet.
  
  The charge I got out of those interactions has really bumped my focus out of a gross level fascination into a subtle level obsession. And I have found that one area where that is particularly prevalent is in my feelings around sex.
  
  It makes a certain sense given that my daughter arrived as a result of sexual intercourse. But it's the depth of intimate connection that is the real kicker here. Subtle body sex -- truly we-space sex -- is just so much better. To the point that, while I wouldn't completely jettison the joys of good old fashioned carnal longing, gross body sex becomes kind of boring.
  
  The dull thud of flesh on flesh, especially where there is even only a sort of tangential awareness of the other's flesh because we're so wrapped up in sex for ourselves -- for our own narrow pleasures. It just doesn't hold a candle to the explosive quality of energetically wrapping yourself in another person's being. Not just entering them physically, but also spiritually. Now that's an f-ing turn on!
  
  Now, with a young child around, I'm not going to lie and tell you I'm having a lot of sex right now. But when my wife and I do have sex, it feels like it is taking place on a different plane these days.
  
  So this is a lot of what I hear you saying in these piece vis-a-vis the co-modification and commercialization of our sexuality. It's pale and kind of shallow and ultimately really pretty boring. What would happen if we were to collectively evolve our sexuality in some interesting directions. Let's make some subtle body porn!
  
  Now that might be something worth getting excited about...
• Comment Link Saturday, 18 February 2012 02:23 posted by Chris Dierkes

  Alessandra,
  
  Thanks for the reply. The movie analogy is a helpful one.
• Comment Link Sunday, 19 February 2012 17:07 posted by Bruce Sanguin

  Thanks for the great thread.
  
  What I've discovered is that my early self ("ego") is instinctively acquisitive. This part of me doesn't just enjoy something. I want to own it/possess it. When I travel, this part of me falls in love with a place, and I start looking around at real estate prices. It's kind of funny actually to watch this happening.
  
  The same thing applies to beauty. Early self wants to own it, possess it, not "merely" delight in it. When this happens interpersonally with someone we find attractive, we send out a possessive energy. The practice, for me, involves gaining genuine clarity about what we actually want. From a place of soul, the energetic around enjoying another's beauty and the erotic attraction softens, is less desperate, doesn't attach to the other, delights in this particular expression of beauty, is grateful, and ultimately allures us to a longing to immerse ourselves in Beauty itself. The energy spreads beyond the lower chakras, into heart, and transcendent energy. As Scott says, it's a tracking of the energy from gross into subtle and even causal dimensions.
  
  It is a deep practice. Easy to bullshit ourselves for sure.